I would normally post something like this on my personal blog, but I want to be honest with all of you, and honest with all of my friends that follow me. Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment- one of those yearly check up things. And if I am correct, it is one of those appointments where I have to sit awkwardly naked in a room for half an hour waiting for my doctor to arrive- the waiting, irrelevant- the naked, very relevant.

Well, as a few of you may know, I am currently recovering from self harm. What most of you don’t know though, is that I have been struggling with it for roughly 3 years, and not once has either of my parents (or any adults, for that matter) found out about it. Back when I first started I was rather sly when it came to hiding my big secret, and I guess after a while that just deteriorated. 

I started cutting more, and started cutting deeper- and right about now I just have too many scars that will take too long to fade.

So, I guess we all know where this is going- Tomorrow will probably be the first time an adult will discover my little secret, and it will probably be the day my mother learns of it as well. Even though I’ve been clean for two months, I’ve still been ridiculously depressed lately, and after learning about my self harm I’m pretty sure my family will put two and two together.

In the end, I guess I’m just… so anxious, so nervous. For a few weeks, I just forgot about it completely and moved on with my life, but now that the day is arriving… Im so frozen.

It’s just so hard to keep a secret for so long, then suddenly have it taken away from you for such a silly reason.

But you know, maybe in retrospect, it’s time for them to know.

I mean, I don’t want them to…

But it has been so long. Maybe I’ll finally get the help that.. all of my friends want me to get, the help they think I need.

I personally don’t want help, but I’ve really run out of options….

I mean… I may just refuse to get changed. I’ll tell my doctor I’m uncomfortable, and that I’ll just do it next time.

But how much longer do I want to keep running? keep hiding?

I’m just so sick of all of this.

I’m such a coward.

I’m so afraid.

But I can’t keep allowing this to run my life!

I want to be happy.

I don’t want to get help, but…

maybe I need it to be happy.

Gosh, I’m just terrified, though.